Sorting Out My Street
Im really excited by George Bushs latest reason for bombing Iraq: hes running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now Ive been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.
Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and Im sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I havent been able to discover what.
Ive been round to his place a few times to see what hes up to, but hes got everything well hidden. Thats how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, dont ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we dont act first, hell pick us off one by one.
Some of my neighbours say, if Ive got proof, why dont I go to the police? But thats simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. Theyll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people.
Since Im the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon its up to me to keep the peace. But until recently thats been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!
And lets face it, Mr Bushs carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.
Thats why I want to blow up Mr Johnsons garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! Thatll teach him a lesson. Then hell leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. Im certain Ive just as much justification for killing Mr Johnsons wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bushs long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating rogue states and terrorism. Its such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when youve achieved it?
How will Mr Bush know when hes wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once hes committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he cant be sure hes achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
Its the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I dont like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until Ive wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her Im simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.
Like Mr Bush, Ive run out of patience, and if thats a good enough reason for the President, its good enough for me. Im going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they dont hand them over nicely and say Thank you, Im going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.
Its just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what hes intending, my policy will destroy only one street
Sunday Jan 26th, 2003
Ascot scene from My Fair Lady, staged in the Abbey Vocational School - Theresa Norrby, Michael McLaughlin,
Mary Scoops Tidy Sum on Winning Streak
A great support unit departed on Barry Hannigans bus last Saturday headed for The Smoke, to back up Mary Simms who had booked herself a place on Winning Streak later that evening. The OMaolchonaire Avenue lady, who had bought the lucky ticket in Pauls had her four sons and two daughters in the audience, along with most of her nine grandchildren. Mary ended up winning €25,500 - a fitting finish to what Mary told Donegal Times was the best week of my life.
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